• Debunked. Part Deux

  

  Day 127

  Of course we won’t leave you hanging. We know you came back to find out how many people get naked in Key West. Patience! We’ll get there.

  Onward, to the myth debunking department.

  Myth 5: Key West is its own country

  Many a battle has been fought in the name of independence, but none so heart-warming and odd as the story of the Conch Republic, otherwise known as Key West. That’s right. Key West is not merely a state, but recognized by locals as its own country. Take it back to 1982; tourism is flourishing in this phallus shaped state. People are traveling miles just to visit, and the drug trade & illegal immigration at an all time high. In steps the sneaky government with tight border patrol road blocks on the only linking road from Key West through to the mainland (yeah, that made us shudder, too). At first, tourists started flying to Miami just to avoid the hassle of waiting in single lane lines for hours.

  Soon though, tourism began to decline. No one was happy about this type of government interference. This got the mayor all riled up. No one was going to step foot in his waters. The best and most natural solution was this: since the US was basically treating Key West as hostile enemy territory and searching its residents, the mayor figured they might as well act like a hostile enemy. On April 23, 1982 with gumption and a stale loaf of bread, the mayor prime minister and his disgruntled army declared war on the United States. Key West surrendered one minute later, applying for $1 billion in foreign aid. The US declined aid, but removed the roadblocks and inspection station shortly thereafter. Who needs foreign aid? With travel no longer thwarted, the Conch Republic could focus on earning a billion dollars in  annual piña coladas sales. Now that’s a war worth fighting for. Read the full story if you’re interested.

  This myth is not a myth at all.

  
  Myth 6: 
You can coast around Old Town on a scooter, fully loaded (on beer), and not get in trouble
  
  Okay, have to say it. We’re total losers. We can’t even prove this one because we were the couple with the cannonball heads (that’s helmets for all you non visual types) and long pants on to protect against road rash, riding our scooter. So everyone else is out there consuming frightening amounts of Bud Light with nothing between the road and their noggins but glassy eyes and a mini skirt. They’re whooping it up and having a ball (and incidentally misinterpreting red lights as green) and we don’t even get to enjoy the feeling of the wind in our hair. We are rockstars; bigwigs; rebels; we’re Larry Flint.

  Nope, we’re Canadians who are far too concerned with safety and the wily moped. I suppose this is good. People will think us responsible adults, so we will stand by it and nod our bowling ball heads. Besides, have you ever tried to hold a beer and drive at the same time? You have? Well, it’s tricky, isn’t it?
  
  We could happily say that ‘you can drive recklessly in Key West while bubbling in your own liquor-ick stew’, but we really don’t have enough evidence to support our claim.

  
  Myth 7: 
Lots of people get naked in Key West

  That’s right, you know this is the one you’ve been waiting for. Everyone always wants to hear about the naked people.

  So there’s this place called Garden of Eden. It’s a clothing optional bar in rebellious Key West that caters to libidinous men and women of diverse shapes and sizes. If you’re 21, you’re as good as a permanent showpiece! We do a lot of research for this blog, and since we set about to disprove this ‘naked myth’ we had to do our part by exploring this so-called nudie bar.

  We elbowed our way up two flights of stairs, through two burly bouncers, to behold a mystic roof. I believe these stairs are intended to prevent anyone of ill health (and likely mature age) from planting their flag at the top and getting in. Once inside, silvery plants tickled our faces in support of the garden theme.

  It was extremely crowded, even at eleven pm, so we squirmed through the circle of flesh to find a peephole into the centre of the dance floor. The 90s song, Twilight Zone, played rhythmically with the crowd’s ego. Centre stage, gyrated an aged maiden covered only by a slovenly painted ‘tank top tuxedo’. She was grinding down hard with some lucky dude. Men stared with trained eyes on the prize. It was actually a bit disconcerting.

  There were men, leering, like when betting on a cock fight. There were men, attempting nonchalance in a sausage factory while the sausage grinder sized them up. The whole experience only lasted long enough for us to realize there was some expectation that a new girl would take centre. I noticed the bouncer looking at me with a wink and a smile. Not wanting to ruin my reputation or sully this blog, we quickly departed.

  Anyway, I can’t paint a t shirt worth a damn and neither can Travis. We’d gathered enough evidence.

  So, the myth. Well, even though the nakedness we saw was constrained to a naked bar (and a bikini wedgie on the beach, which totally doesn’t count), I think given the yearly homemade bikini contest and numerous other events (see body painting contest & night parades) that we were wont to witness, we could ascertain the following:

  People DO get naked in Key West. And they love doing it.
  
  

  Posted on February 26, 2010

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